Isaac, Honorbeary, Tally, Ferdy, Blanky

Hannibal Lecter: You're so ambitious, aren't you? You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well-scrubbed, hustling rube, with a little taste. Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed? Pure West Virginia. What'd your daddy do, was he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? Oh and how quickly the boys found you … all those sticky, tedious fumblings in the back seats of cars … while you could only dream of getting out … getting anywhere … getting all the way to the FBI.

Clarice Starling: You see a lot, doctor. But can you point that high-powered perception at yourself? What about it? Why don't you – why don't you look at yourself and write down what you see? Or maybe you're afraid to...

- Silence of the Lambs

I guess I received a wake-up call, of sorts, today. And it was probably as I feared: It was expected, however unconsciously.

I couldn't love my father. I couldn't love anyone real. Everyone was hideous. So I did something to fill the void, which should've been filled up by Jesus. 

I tried to love someone, who was not really someone, but a phantasmic representation fashioned after my own liking.

And I mistakened that person for the real thing. On two orders did I idolatrize. First, man for God. Second, my vision of man for man itself.

Even before I saw your message, I, in my morning murmurings to myself, contemplated this mistake, this structure.

I found that the perfect image of my father disappeared - dissipated. So I searched for another: A perfect image of a lover.

Who was not a lover, but a refuge; a substitute to cling to before I fell down into the depths of my disappointment.

The strongest characteristics of a lover are that of its character. Its moral constitution. Its ethics and behavior. Its attitude towards life.

But I felt that Jesus couldn't love me. So I made up yet again somewhat of an inferior-Jesus. Someone who was perfect, yet not too perfect,

who could accept me, and I would accept her in return.

I wanted to escape. From the ugly past. From the coal mines. I wanted a bright future. Which was anywhere not where I had been.

To be at the side of a concrete, perfect someone-else.

I loved you out of hate for someone else.

And so I wept silently.

Then I pondered how to release you from the clutches of my consciousness and your projection of my consciousness.

How to release you from any possible consequential fear you may have or develop.

I was truly immature. Or maybe "that's life." Whatever the interpretation.

I had placed you in the same structure of terror.

I hope you fly free and free of worries.

Find someone better than me. I had conducted myself disgracefully.

Take him. Forget me. Leave me alone.

Forget all you have seen. Go now.

Take the plane, away from me,

Never to tell.

Never speak of what you know

Of the angel in hell.

---

「隆兒」又要回美國了，

也是淡淡哀傷。我們又要遠距離了。

雖然說我到你的房間，

我們也只是坐著看書，享受彼此的同在，

享受彼此的冷漠，因為冷漠代表我們在忙，

忙著為神的國。(好吧，也許以後成家立業就不能這樣了)

雖然現在我好像也已經脫離危險，

漸入佳境，還是會希望能在你身邊嗆你，

再嗆你，再嗆你得更厲害一點，再把你嗆得更厲害一點。

你也嗆著我，我們就這樣 delete delete 彼此了。

如果終究走上了另一間學校，

不要為我難過，我也不會為自己難過。

因為一日為 Van Tillian，終身 Van Tillian，

是回不去的。

...

如果你哲學讀多一點你就曉得我的意思了。

那個感覺就是會凌駕著你，你根本無法脫離。

除非哪天我的大腦被人家切割過了。XDDDDDDD

當然現在應該是全面違法了。

---

最近在找新房子，想找到一個更安靜的地方...

今天有看到一間，感覺真的是夢幻居所，(可以煮東西！！！)

但是有兩位姊妹比我搶先約好要看，所以...

嗚嗚嗚等明天消息吧。

---

感謝鄭 X 宇陪我下棋。

And putting up with my silly antics.

"Human, all too human."

I relished your heartwarming, mental embraces.

More than you might assume.